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Thirteen reasons why men can't win
Three states of a relationship
misandry (mis'-an'-dre') n. hatred of men. (1) the attribution of negative qualities to the entire male gender. (2) the claim that masculinity is the source of human vices such as domination, violence, oppression, and racism. (3) a sexist assumption that (a) male genes, hormones and physiology, or (b) male cultural nurturing produce war, rape, and physical abuse. (4) the assignment of blame solely to men for humanity's historic evils without including women's responsibility or giving men credit for civilization's achievements. (5) the assumption that any male person is probably domineering, oppressive, violent, sexually abusive, and spiritually immature.
Patrick M. Arnold, Society of Jesuits
How would you feel if well over half your salary were forcibly taken from you with no accountability for its use, if your ex-husband had total control over your children and wouldn't honor your visitation rights and the courts wouldn't, either, and the father of your children were filling their heads with vindictive lies about you? How long could you deal with that sort of abuse and heartbreak?
Question for women by Ms. Rikki Klieman, attorney
The only really happy folk are married women and single men.
Alimony: the ransom the happy pay to the devil.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
Nothing in our culture, not even home computers, is more overrated than the epidermal felicity of two featherless bipeds in desperate congress.
Love ain't nothing but sex misspelled.
The charms of a passing woman are usually in direct proportion to the speed of her passing.
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
The fickleness of the women whom I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me.
The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
It is most unwise for people in love to marry.
The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, insane, delusive, and transient of passions, they are required to swear that they'll remain in that condition continuously until death do them part.
I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to become as mediocre as possible.
A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to comprehend his cleverness, and just stupid enough to admire it.
American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers.
When a woman behaves like a man, why can't she behave like a nice man?
A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.
I don't believe man is woman's natural enemy. Perhaps his lawyer is.
Alimony: the screwing you get for the screwing you got.
Love: The delusion that one woman differs from another.
The happiest time of anyone's life is just after the first divorce.
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.
Why are the pretty ones always insane?
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, “You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.”
Sometimes it's worse to win a fight than to lose.
If you attempt to ban the world's oldest profession what you end up with is crime, disease, and prostitution.
If you treat that profession like any other business what you end up with is prostitution.
The reason so many women think that men are not interested in anything but sex with them is that they seldom have anything else to offer.
I have never been inclined to believe I was God's gift to women. I have always thought it much more likely that women were God's gift to me.
Marriage is the only evil that men pray for. — Greek Proverb
Marriage is the tomb of love. — Russian Proverb
Divorce is the sacrament of adultery. — French Proverb
Honest men marry soon; wise men not at all. — English Proverb
Marriage is a school in which the pupil learns too late. — German Proverb
There were two brothers who were smart and a third who got married. — Polish Proverb
Bachelor, a peacock; betrothed, a lion; married, a donkey. — Spanish Proverb
He who has not married a second time is never really poor. — Chinese Proverb
• If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
• If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
• If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
• If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
• If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
• If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
• If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
• If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
• If you don't, you're insensitive.
• If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
• If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
• If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
• If she asks you, it's a favor.
• If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
• If you don't, you're a slob.
• If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
• If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
• If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
• If you're not, you're not ambitious.
• If she has a headache, she's tired.
• If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?”
“Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.”
“That's right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”
“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and...”
“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”
“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”
This explains why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out his wife was sleeping with his best friend.
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head, and Scrappy.
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $10, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want the change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change. He doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change. She does.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, to water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and read the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, teenage crushes, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, and hopes and dreams.
A man is sometimes aware of some other people living in the house.
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
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